songstressedout | IC Inbox

um hey... its me- um- im not sure exactly why im typing this but i just wanna get stuff off my chest, for whatever reason its been really hard to say it with words... so im trying this... sorry if its all over the place...

that network post... about how you said you liked girls? and where we... um... admitted to liking one another- first off, i wanna just say sorry, i think i might have taken the talk away from the main question, ive been feeling super guilty about it for a while now but i want you to know that i support you, ok?

secondly i... i dont think i want to date you, d-dont take it the wrong way, i still like you a lot! i just... i guess i just... i feel confused when i try to think of us... together- or me with anyone to be honest. cause couples do like... kissing and stuff, but when i think about doing that with you i...am i weird? i like you a lot, i always wanna be around you, but physical affection makes me feel... gross?i-idk- i dont know if im making sense, but you know... you know couples do those couple things... and i dont wanna do that, im also like... l-like i dont... you know how boys call girls attractive and stuff? i... never mind- this isnt making any sense i should just-

[He had the intention to delete it in that moment, but he accidentally hits send anyways. Screams ensue, followed quickly by another message.]

im sorry im sorry, please dont be mad, i didnt mean it like that or anything-

[ To be honest, she gets pretty scared when she reads that he doesn't want to, like, be in a relationship with her... but then she reads his reason.

The heart wants what it wants.

She remembers those words fondly.

Basically... Yuya doesn't want to d-date her because... he doesn't like kissing and stuff? Well, he was fine with hugs and holding hands... in fact, he would often be the one to ask for them, even before all of this. ]

Yuya, it's alright... thank you for supporting me... you have no idea how much that means to me.

Secondly... so you, like, don't think kissing and stuff is nice? You think they're gross?

Yuya... I mean, I guess I do like those things, and couples in movies do those things... but like, we don't have to?

Isn't it good enough that we... like each other?

We've already been, like, hugging and holding hands... isn't that alright?

L-Like... so, Tsukikage said something to me... he said that the heart wants what it wants.

If you don't wanna like, kiss or anything...

[ Well, she can't say she's not at least a little sad. Considering how much it's been hyped up all her life, she's always dreamed about her first kiss... but if Yuya isn't comfortable with that, then what gives her the right to invalidate that? It's not like she'll die just because nobody kisses her on the lips.

She wants Yuya to be happy, and if kissing makes him unhappy... then the answer was simple. ]

I-If we do date... or if we become a couple... isn't it fine if we just like... hug and hold hands and just... be close to each other?

[ Cuddles, she wants cuddles. ]

dont couples have to do those things tho...? isnt it like... isnt it like your not really in a relationship unless you do that...? i... i dont understand...but hugging and holding hands is ok- i like that... i like hugging people i like... or giving gifts... or making them laugh-

I... don't think so? I mean, don't get me wrong... I do think kissing looks nice and all but... it's not like I'll die or anything!

Besides, like... I also like hugging people I like, but isn't it like, a little different with someone you love? Like, holding them because you don't want them to go... holding them because you just want them close...

[ She's describing the reasons why she wants to be able to hug him. ]

A-And even like... cuddling? Like, falling asleep together on the couch or something... just being close...

[ ...oH NO SHE'S RAMBLED ABOUT HER OWN ROMANTIC FANTASIES—quick, backpedal! ]

I-I mean like, only hypothetically, you know? And like, if you're uncomfortable with it of course not but...

[ WHY IS SHE THE WAY THAT SHE IS... she's in full blush mode (dark pink) and ready to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day again... well, technically she is inside a hill right now. ]

[... He's got a lot to think about... More than he thought he had...]

... do you... want to be together then? idk im- kind of getting more confused... if you dont have to kiss the one you love then... ah- idk-its confusing... i just wanna not feel embarrassed all the time... its been like that since ive told you- and i dont wanna be avoiding you anymore....

I-I mean... if you want to be together...

I-I mean... it's alright to be embarrassed! I get pretty embarrassed as well but... I'm still happy whenever I'm with you...

Just because kissing grosses you out... why should that mean we can't be together if we both like each other...?

i-i just.... i dont... really know? i dont... want to like- i dont wanna... if you want that stuff then im probably not the best to 'be together' with... you deserve better than me...

But that's...

[ Okay, that's enough, where is he.

She phases through the wall into Yuya's room, where she finds him. ]

But I still want to be with you...!

[ Guess she's here now. ]

[Yuya isn't even surprised at this point. No, he kind of expected this if he's being honest. So he just turns to her and says;]

Why...? I don't... I don't get it...

[ With the amount of times Yuzu's just barged into his room through the wall? Of course he'd be used to it. ~~They should just share a room before Yuzu changes out of being a Shade and slams her head into the wall in an attempt to go through.~~ ]

Because... I already told you... I like you, is that not enough...? I don't care about anything else, I...

But I... [He pauses, looking down at the computer screen and then back to her.] I don't know...

[He really didn't, he didn't know why he felt like being together would be a bad thing. Or that he wasn't ready, or good enough... But he did. Was it because he had hurt her? Or was it something else entirely... He didn't know, and the more the questions circled around his head, the harder it was to talk.]

What if... What if I'm not enough?

You are enough... being with you, it makes me...

[ She comes fully out of the wall to face him now. ]

It... makes me happy... things feel better when I'm with you...

[Yuya's mouth twitches, as if he's going for a smile, but stops it right away. He wants to say he feels the same, in fact he knows that once- he absolutely did feel the same. But now? Now he's not sure, and it's not her either, he's just always...]

... Sad... [He mumbled out, quite possibly not meaning to say that out loud at all.] I-I mean... I- I feel happy too, or I used to but...

[He pauses for a very very long time.]

I don't feel happy all that often anymore... I wouldn't want to bring you down with me...

[ 'Used to', meaning that he hasn't felt happy.

For how long has she been... unable to help him? Unable to make things even a little more bearable? Actually, how long has it been since she saw Yuya's true smile, the smile that filled her heart with so much joy that even being stuck here could be considered bearable? ]

Yuya... you aren't bringing me down with you, I want to be able to help lift you up...

[Yuya pouts. This is... This is hard to deal with, for multiple reasons. But mostly...]

That's a lie, I know I make everyone feel bad- [Or mad- why does everyone keep yelling at him otherwise?] You don't... You don't have to worry about me...

Yuya... you don't make everyone feel bad, it's just...

[ She can feel her chest tightening, hurting, aching as she could only respond to these things with her words and not a warm squeezing hug. ]

Yuya, we get frustrated because... we want to show you how to love yourself the same way we all do... but sometimes we don't know how.

[ Her chest screams in pain as she braces herself to say what comes next. ]

If... if you really don't want to be 'together' with me... I won't push you. Just... just know that I'll always care about you...

[The way she looks and the way she sounds... Well now he just feels like he's the one who's being insensitive. Yuya sighs out, trying to recollect his thoughts and ask again this time- or something-]

N-no it's okay, we can date! [He doesn't want her to be sad...] We can... it's fine, yeah...

Yuya, this isn't about me...

[ It crushes her to do so, but she shuts that down. She can tell what he's doing now, and she doesn't like it. ]

This is about you, and I get it... you're like me—well, no... I like boys and girls but... you just don't like things like kissing and stuff. I support you completely, there's nothing wrong with that... it's not necessary for love, and I would never force you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with.

[ She bites her bottom lip for a moment before continuing. ]

I... I want to be together with you... I want to be more than just friends... [ Oh god, what is she saying, her face is reddening now... ] but I don't want it to happen out of obligation... you have to want to be with me as well.

[ Gah... her face is red, what the heck is she saying!? None of that sounds right. ]

B-Basically, what I'm trying to say is...

[ Nothing is coming out right... ]

[He wishes he wasn't so confused right now. Maybe if he actually knew what was wrong with him, he'd be more perceptive of the fact that Yuzu was blushing. Saying these things were hard, he would know- he had a very hard time admitting it to her the other day.

Maybe he's just scared? Maybe he just has to take that step? It's not like he's ever dated before... He never even really thought about it until... hm...]

I- I don't really know what I want... I haven't known for a while... Because... [A whine escapes his throat, and he pulls on his ears, trying to use the pain to focus.] B-because I've never had to think about what I want- I-I don't know-!

[How can he be open with her, when he doesn't even know what's wrong with himself?]

I-if it was... If it was with you... I... I guess it would be okay? I don't... [This isn't like dueling- he hates feeling like he's so stupid.] I don't know...

Yuya, listen to me...

[ God, everything she's just said is crashing back down on her, but she has to bear with it. She sees him pulling on his ears and immediately places his hands on his, trying to gently get him to stop. ]

I understand... I know that you don't know. Yuya, we don't have to go further if you don't want to... I want you to find out what you want first, okay? And if you want my help in figuring that out, then...

[ She'll help him. She'll do everything she can to help him. ]

[Even after hearing her say it's okay... He doesn't feel okay, IT doesn't feel okay. But he nods, a tired look of resignation on his face as he tries his best not to let emotions rise too high. (because he'll cry, he can already feel the stinging in his eyes.)]

O-okay... [He says that, instead of the bajillion other fears and concerns floating through his mind.] I... yeah...

Tsukikage can probably help you a little more when it comes to your feelings... he did when I came out about being bi, after all.

[ She gives a small scratch behind his ear to showcase some kind of affection. ]

And remember... nothing will change how I feel about you, alright? Take as much time as you need... and I'll do everything I can to help you.

O-okay...

[He tries to laugh it off. Yuya was trying to not focus on this feeling like he was letting Yuzu down. Instead he's focusing on the nice words. Or anything else really.]

... Thank you...

[But of course, now he's not sure what to say. Where does one go from here? Is it too late to mention he liked the ear scratching? Hm...]

[ It's not like she doesn't already know what he thinks about the ear scratching. Still, as much as she'd like to just be there and scratch his ears...

She should probably go. ]

I'll let you relax, okay? I'll also let Tsukikage know... or at least ask him to find out more if you want, okay?

[ Anything she can do to help... anything...

...she turns to leave the room. ]

W-wait!

[He's not sure why, but he... He feels like being alone right now would be bad.]

Can you... Can you stay...?

[Is he being selfish? He's not sure but...]

I don't want to be alone right now...

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