songstressedout | IC Inbox

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[ I should've stabbed him. I should've just gone for it. I should've fucking stabbed that bastard's fucking jugular—

For once? Riley finds herself not disagreeing with the twisted voice that hisses in her ears. Riley finds herself regretting that she didn't do that herself. ]

That disgusting... [ One hand curls to a fist, but the other is hovering, above Yuzu's head, as if she's just a step away from pulling her aside and looking for any wounds she might've missed. ]

After...? You mean after those jerks dragged me away? What did they do to you...?

[ Well... Riley may not have to worry about that. ]

Oh, no I mean... when everything went crazy and we all got set free...

[ She doesn't realize it, but her eyes are watering. ]

It's... it's not what they did to me... it's what I did to them...

What...?

[ Riley doesn't need to ask that question. She saw MacCready. She saw Giorno. She hears her own insistent, creative thoughts.

She doesn't need to ask. ]

You...lashed out at them. Didn't you.

[ Yuzu's breath stops for a moment, and for a moment, one could swear that the blackened parts of her arms got wispier. ]

I just... I was set free and then I saw them...

[ She trembles a bit. ]

Something just asked me what I wanted to do to them... and suddenly my arms were longer and sharper and...

[ Talking about this was hurting. She thought she could keep herself together but the guilt is tightening around her neck like a noose again. She still remembers how easy and satisfying it was when her arms changed into claws that cut easily through the people who hurt her. ]

[ Riley doesn't need to wonder why it feels like she's listening to this from far away. She doesn't need to be curious about why she feels suddenly lightheaded. She swallows down a lump in her throat. ]

You were...affected by whatever was... Whatever everyone else was.

[ A wavering tone to her voice. This isn't... This isn't the place to talk about this. Riley goes to take Yuzu's arm, gently. ]

Is there, um...anywhere you like to be in the city? Anywhere...comforting?

I... I don't...

[ There wasn't exactly anywhere she considered comforting in this city. ]

I don't know... it feels crowded everywhere I go...

[ Well, that's... ]

What about... Do you know of anywhere people don't go? Somewhere quiet?

I...

[ There wasn't a lot of places as far as she knew in Bavan, besides the top of buildings (that she was at one point carried up to by a friend when her changes started hurting in the middle of the sidewalk and she was taking up space in the crowd. ]

Does a roof work...?

[ With a determined little nod, Riley starts leading Yuzu through the city streets. ]

Come with me.

[ Not like she's giving her much of a choice... They're closer to Hestia's Place than far from it, so that's her go-to, as...it's the only place she really has access. ]

E-Eh? Um, okay...

[ Well, it's not like she doesn't trust Riley, so she lets her lead Yuzu to wherever she wants to take her. ]

[ Riley doesn't say anything more until they reach Hestia's Place. It's... Well, she's not sure she's allowed up on the roof, but nothing in particular is stopping them. ]

Come on, up this way.

[ Elevator, a set of stairs... And here they are. A nice rooftop, no one else around. ]

[ It feels... refreshing. Nobody around, an open space... or at least the feeling of one. ]

Oh...

[ She looks a little more relaxed, even if only a little. ]

[ Just the open air... ]

Is that a little better? [ She sounds softer than Yuzu's heard her before. Gentle. ] Sometimes... Sometimes just not being around anyone else can help a little.

[ Her eyes water a bit at the softness in Riley's voice, but she quickly wipes them away. ]

Yeah... yeah it is...

[ She takes a few shaky breaths. The open air feels nice on her face. ]

[ The reassuring smile Riley musters up doesn't feel forced. She puts a very gentle hand on Yuzu's shoulder. ]

If...you don't have a lot of places like this, you can come by whenever you want. No one'll...look at you, or...or anything. Not even me, if you don't want it.

[ Oh... oh a tear managed to break past and fall down her cheek. ]

Thanks... this is... this is really nice...

[ She takes another shaky breath and wraps her arms around herself. ]

I'm... I'm sorry you had to see me like this... or see me like that.

[ It feels so... damsel-like, to be in these situations. ]

[ She doesn't get closer. In fact, she withdraws a little, so Yuzu can have some space, some room to breathe.

While she understands, very much so, Riley is firm in her response. ]

You shouldn't apologize for something they did to you. [ She strives to keep herself soft and gentle. To not let the fury she's feeling enter her voice. ] They're the ones who put you there. In that place, and...and pushed you to that.

You're probably right...

[ They did push her. Their actions are the reason why she lost control... why she let loose, why she did what she did. ]

...but it's still a choice I made. I heard the dark voice in my head and I agreed with it.

[ They were bad people. They tortured her and so many others... but to Yuzu, that feels like nothing more than a flimsy excuse for her choice. ]

The only thing I can do now is try and atone for what I've done... even if I've already become a bad person.

[ ...Stay soft and gentle. Stay soft and gentle. Stay soft and— ]

I- [ Easy. ] I don't think it's that easy to say someone's a bad person, Yuzu. Especially if you've been forced into it. Like all of us have.

[ ... ]

The, um, the voice? What'd it sound like?

[ Her eyes widen a bit at that question. ]

Um... sometimes it sounded like a woman I've never met... other times it sounded like me...

[ Said-woman being the Fog God, but since she's refused to communicated with either of the gods, she doesn't know what any of them sound like. ]

[ It's consistent. That's... Okay. That sounds different enough that... It's not like she's worried about it, just- just it makes more sense, if that's- if everyone heard something telling them to give in and just fucking fix the problem already, you useless fuck—

Riley lets out a slow breath. ]

That's... There's clearly some kind of...of outside influence. Someone told me things like this just kind of...happen, in Ryslig.

[ Yuzu takes a deep breath. ]

...I know. I know that voice was probably just another thing that happens here...

[ She knows that voice was hardly her own. She dealt with it the entire week she was trapped inside a cage being "trained". ]

But I agreed with it. I was set free and it asked me if I wanted to make them pay.

[ A beat. ]

I said yes. That's my sin. I could have chosen to fight it, even if just for a little bit, but I didn't. I only started fighting it when I realized that I hurt someone important to me.

[ She turns to face Riley and smiles. It looks and feels bittersweet, but it isn't forced. ]

Thanks for taking me here... it helped. Hopefully I can help you in return someday.

[ But isn't that not fair? ...It was something put on her, so- she didn't want to, Riley di- Yuzu didn't want to, so it's not...

Riley continues to look troubled. Like she can't accept this, but— but she can't argue against it. ]

Of course... But just- just focus on helping yourself right now, okay? You've been through a lot.

[ To Yuzu, it didn't matter that she didn't want to. What mattered was that she did it.

So, now she found herself trying to find a way to atone. She notes Riley's troubled look... is it because she doesn't understand what Yuzu is saying, or is she uncomfortable being around her... being around someone who killed so recently. ]

Right... thanks, Riley.

[ Some time has passed since Riley's arrived... about the same amount of time before Yuzu's own first changes. ]

If you ever need help with, well, anything... let me know. I'll be sure to help out however I can.

[ And with another bittersweet smile, she begins to leave. ]

[ She should speak up. She...should try and reassure her, that she didn't do anything unforgivable, that everyone at that horrible circus were the ones to make that move.

But. ]

Take... Take care, okay?

[ But.

It was becoming a monster, put in this situation, that made Yuzu lash out. But, for Riley...

Maybe you've been a monster this whole time.

It's the thought she doesn't want to entertain. The thought she keeps circling back to. The thought that back home kept her paralyzed, unable to shake the feeling that she really fucked up.

So she lets Yuzu leave. She stays on the roof, contemplating, for a time she can't fully comprehend. ]

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cw: untreated mental illness; intrusive thoughts

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